Thursday, September 16, 2010

I am so high right now.

Last night I was talking with my BFF in NYC. She was heading out with another mutual friend for drinks - on a Thursday. And I thought (and said as much) maaaaaann, I remember Thirsty Thursdays. Heck, I remember Thirsty Mondays ... and Tuesdays, and Wednesdays for that matter. But shit changes when you become a mom. Like, big changes, along with the weird other little changes that are just a pain - like grocery shopping or errand-running with children. Pain! Anyhoo, that night I got to feeling all down on myself, because really, I totally miss that.

Perfect example: last weekend, all I wanted was to watch a movie at my very good friend's brandy new condo. But I couldn't, I had to leave early, because the kid needed to go to bed and she doesn't sleep well in foreign places. Lately it seems like that's all we do - see friends for a minute, then go home and put our kid to bed for 8:30 and then watch TV 'till we get tired ... and then the weekend is over. It's a giant bummer. I just want to go out! Put on some cute heels, wear some fun makeup, and go OUT! Even if it's just something totally minor. And I don't want to have to plan it, I want it to just happen because I FEEL like it, and not because we lucked out on a babysitter that night.

And then, tonight happens. I came home, and the hub was giving the kid a bath and was feeling frustrated. So I took over. She splashed me in the face with water, and giggled at me, and then paraded around the tub holding her dripping Elmo Tub Sub (her favorite bath toy), naked as the day she was born, laughing and splashing water at me, her fat little belly sticking out, all pudgy-like.

And then we got her in her p-jammers, and we sat down in the rocker, and she curled up in my lap and cooed for a little while, smelling all sweet. And I thought to myself: mine. This kid, this small little human, this is MINE. I made it. It depends on me. It sees me, and breaks out into this giant ridiculous grin, and toddles over to me, reaching for a hug. It calls me Momma, for chrissakes. When is the last time you found that in a bar? (If the answer to this is any time recently, I'm not certain I want to hear that story) And this is my LIFE. This perfect little person is my life, for the rest of my life. She will be the biggest part of me I ever let go into this world. I will watch her grow into a big kid, and then a bigger kid, and then a teenager. I'll watch her get married, I'll watch her have kids of her own. This kid, this sweet-smelling, awesome giggly toddler, will be MY LIFE forevermore. And that is kind of the awesomest thing ever. Especially because she's super cuddly, and kind of looks like me  :)

Here's the thing. Life has it's ups and downs. And that's true if you're a mom, a working professional, a job seeker, a world traveler. You are ALWAYS going to see greener pasture no matter where you are in life. And you know, what? My pasture: its pretty darn green, and it smells like lavender after it bathes and it has the sweetest giggle you've ever heard. This for me is a giant "up" in life, even if I sometimes miss the Cosmo's. Yeah ... I am so high right now.

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